textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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