I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
