stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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