apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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