The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
