Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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