Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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