I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
