Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
