I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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