It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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