I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Randomize
