youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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