I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
