If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
