I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
