omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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