I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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