Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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