You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
