I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
