when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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