we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
