You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
