I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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