She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
