Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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