No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
