I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
