It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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