also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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