How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
