I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
it hurts more in the daytime
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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