even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
