Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
