I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize