On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
