last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
