I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
