Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
