I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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