She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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