Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you win again, gameday.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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