not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
