Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think im going to throw up on grandma
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
