I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I look better un-naked...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
