Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
