Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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