Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Randomize
