I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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