i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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