That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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