My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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