You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm passing your future prison.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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