i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
