She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
