I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
