The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
