I accidentally had phone sex last night
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
