Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
