So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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