Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
